Hello Philosophy Society!

Discussion 1: Boyfriend/ Girlfriend

The title of boyfriend and girlfriend are socio-political roles. They come with expectations and implications of those who are designated as such. There are social implications to what it means to be someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. For example, this role usually excludes others from intimacy with you. In most contexts, if someone is your bf/gf, you are isolating them to be the sole person for which you are emotionally or physically intimate with.

It is important to not rush into these roles because of a need for intimacy or companionship. It is also important to develop a sense for what you need and what the world has to offer. This can only be done through experience. It is best to socialize and meet new people to determine what kind of person is best for you.

Discussion 2: Socializing and Drugs

Every culture has specific social events that people use as a means to meet new others in their lives. In Toronto Canada and most western communities, there is a culture around dancing, alcohol, drugs and music. These elements have been part of our history as humans for a long time.

Socializing and celebrating is different from substance abuse. It is not necessarily the case that moderate use of substances, psychedelics and alcohol, necessarily leads to substance abuse. Specific kinds of drugs, like cocaine, are very dangerous because of their highly addictive nature. Due to the high addictive properties of drugs like cocaine or heroin, it is not wise to engage in usage of them. Some people can fall into alcoholism by using alcohol as a means to an end of socializing. This can, over time, become a serious issue for many people in developing alcoholism. Psychedelics, on the other hand, do not have addictive properties and have a lower risk for substance abuse or addiction.

Even though some of these substances are illegal, they are very popular in the social environment. It is very important to educate oneself and use drugs or alcohol safely with people you trust. Some drugs, because of the addictive nature, a loss of self control or harm to one’s body, are best to not do at all as a precautionary principle. Other drugs are not that bad, like mariajuana, for they do not have similar addictive properties or harm one’s body.

It is not necessary that one does drugs to socialize but if one socializes enough, they will come across these drugs. Learning to be independent and socializing without the use of substances is very important because you have developed an ability to have fun and celebrate without an external substance as a means to an end. Being sober and having fun is an end in itself.

Being sober is very valuable when in public because it is the jungle. You do not know what can happen and having a clear mind is very important so that you can respond in the moment to unexpected situations that may arise. Action is best executed when the mind is free of substances and you can process the situation clearly. Sometimes the most meaningful act is done immediately and only having a clear mind can provide the opportunity to do that.

It may be fun to be under the influence of substances, but the quickness of one’s response is easily eroded. Some situations will demand a Person-of-Action who can respond to an unexpected or unfamiliar situation with a principle based move. Some people will cause harm in social settings and even though you may have good intentions, justice will only prevail when there is a clear minded person who can take action in the moment when necessary.

Even though we are out for celebration, we are socializing publicly, which means that there are people we do not know. The human population statistically has psychopaths and sociopaths amongst them. These individuals do not have a regard for others and can put you and those you care for in danger.

Substances, like psychedelics or MDMA, can remove some of our social conditioning and help one be one with the people. But at the same time we are giving up our sharpness to detect people who disregard others and would hurt people without question. It is important that when we socialize, especially when alone, that we are responsible to ourselves and those around us. We are a community and when we gather together publicly it is best if we all look out for each other.

Drug Fact Wheel

https://adf.org.au/drug-facts/#wheel

Discussion 3: Social Screening and Growth

Some people will be difficult to develop relationships with. Individuals who are highly disagreeable or neurotic as a personality trait that have not learned to manage themselves, will place a heavy burden on anyone they are with. It is important to screen new people in your life for this and be cautious in the degree of socializing you have with them. Constructive feedback is necessary for growth but disagreeing just for the sake of disagreeing or ‘playing devil's advocate’ without any real prompt but just to establish some condescending relation with all others is not healthy.

If you observe a legitimate conceptual or logical error in what another communicates, then bring it up accordingly. But, if the ratio of disagreement is over 50% then there is a problem. A person with that high of a disagreement ratio needs to learn when to inhibit their disagreement for it becomes taxing on the social context. Ideas are not freely discussed and it can become tiresome making any statements without some confrontation. Learning to be charitable and make a point of trying to understand what others are saying instead of searching for why they are wrong are the best principles in having a healthy sense of disagreement. Even if you disagree, hear someone out first then make an effort to summarize what they have said to show you understand first. Often, the person may not have the words to correctly communicate what they are thinking.

If someone is highly neurotic, they will become upset at many different minute events in their experience. Not only does it put pressure on others emotionally but it is hard on oneself to become upset at mundane things consistently. The practice of mindfulness and expectation management is best for dealing with being overly neurotic. Breathe deeply and ‘let it go.’

We can have relationships with difficult personality styles but it is important to be sensitive to how these individuals make you feel. Establishing boundaries for yourself and following your feelings is important to build a healthy social life. ‘Putting up’ with someone’s way of being is not conducive to an autonomous and free psychological development. Your social life has a dramatic impact on your mental state. What these people say to you will influence you and direct your psychological growth. It is important to be selective in those you spend your time with so that you do not skew or taint yourself with negative thinking patterns.

Ask yourself what you want to be, where you want to be in life, what makes you comfortable and who makes you happy. Invest your best self in those who facilitate those social patterns. You are an adult and as an adult it is up to you to socially filter out your life. Having healthy, conditional boundaries and not being extreme is part of this. If someone wishes to be your friend but has some problems, take the time to communicate with them. If they are receptive to growth it is worth it for you to invest in them.

But do not lose your sense of self. Take space when necessary and manage your own emotions before approaching them. The best is to communicate clearly and explain what is the case without allowing frustrations to build up. In our committed relationships this can be difficult. We can feel a sense of obligation to others that pushes us past our limits. We can express the worst of ourselves, reminiscent of extreme versions from our adolescence, in situations that are overwhelming.

Ghosting people is a sign of immaturity and a disregard for others. Learn to communicate with your fellow human and explain to them what makes you uncomfortable. Be authentic with your self and explain that self-awareness to others.

Some relationships may not work out. People are at different maturity levels or stages of life. It is best to be authentic to yourself and allow the other person to leave you. Do not change what you are to keep a person in your life. This is different from working on problematic parts of your self so that you are pleasant to be around. It can be difficult to see the difference and our self-esteem can easily be triggered and we become defensive. This is why it's important to first understand your emotions then explain them to the other when you are of sound mind.

Establish your boundaries in your own mind first, then explain those boundaries to the other. When you see observable changes in behaviour or an effort to grow, facilitate and reward the person for that. Don’t allow someone’s inability to grow or lack of care perpetuate a harmful relationship. The primary culprit of this can be family, the workplace, or longtime friendships. Taking space from someone who cannot understand how they impact others negatively may be the only option. If a boundary, like ‘do not discuss the ethics of abortion with X’ is possible, and the both of you can stick to healthy subjects and activities, you may have a common ground of relation.

There are a lot of people in this world. Once you get yourself on the trajectory of your best self it is time you break away from your tribe and create your own. Find the people in our global community that you can grow with and nurture those relationships. The people you left behind will look up to you and admire what you have become.

We as humans are social animals and learning to grow socially is necessary for you to life a good life.

Discussion 4: Attachment Styles

When we are very young, before the age of 2, we develop an attachment style to our caregivers. This attachment style carries over to the people we develop intimate relationships with in our adulthood. Depending on how our parents related to us when we were crying for food or needed nurturing, we will fall into one of these four categories.

1) Secure

2) Avoidant

3) Ambivalent

4) Disorganized

Each of these styles was determined in an experiment called ‘The Strange Situation,’ where mothers left young children in a room with a stranger to see how they responded to the mother when she returned.

The secure was not fazed by the mothers absence or return, the avoidant became distant when the mother returned, the ambivalent showed signs of wanting affection but pushing the mother away, and the disorganized showed erratic patterns. Our relationships when we are older are founded upon these attachment styles and certain kinds of relationships can be very difficult simply due to incompatibility. An ambivalent and an avoidant are very difficult to have unless both are very mature in their needs as people.

It is very useful and wise to determine what kind of attachment style you have so that you can bring greater fulfillment and success in your intimate relationships when you are older. Trying to make an incompatible relationship work will bring about a lot of suffering when someone who is equally attractive and interesting will create greater fulfillment simply due to compatibility.

© Achilles Atlas Justice and achillesjustice.com, 2018-22. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Achilles Atlas Justice and achillesjustice.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.