One of the greatest challenges that we all face is how to attract someone that we find desirable. This discussion is predominately for heterosexual genders and sexual orientations, however some of the principles can be either modified or adapted to be used by anyone regardless of their identity or preference.
To understand attraction we have to understand the 200,000 years of evolutionary history that our species is founded upon. That ancestral foundation holds the key to representing yourself in such a way to elicit attraction from the kinds of people you want and like. The process takes time and practice, involves using the principle of self-love, see Tool, an understanding of the evolutionary principles of mate selection, and a sense for socializing in a way that presents ourselves in a way that appeals to the opposite sex's attraction circuitry.
We come from hunter-gatherer primates that were heavily dependent on the available resources of the time. Our ancestors who survived the harsh climate, environment and scarce resources had to learn to deal with the conditions and the survivors of those conditions preferred mates who could reproduce and ensure the survival of their offspring. First, it would be beneficial to have an understanding of the evolutionary principles humans are drawn towards so that we can coordinate ourselves to create the greatest chances of success when attracting someone.
In 1989, David Buss conducted a study where he surveyed 10,047 people across 37 different cultures to understand selection differences of mates between the two sexes. The journal article is listed below and some of the information is summarized here.
Women's Evolutionary Mate Preferences:
1. Financial Resources, Potential Financial Resources, or Traits of Gaining Resources
Women are predisposed to find men who currently have resources to be attractive because our ancestors were more likely to survive when a man could provide resources for his children. Women are also apt at detecting a man who has the probability of gaining resources in the future by the completion of school or displaying traits of being 'hard working' or ambitious. Traits of being generous are also attractive to women for it shows that the man will share his resources with her and their potential children.
Women will also find healthy men who are physically fit more attractive due to being more likely to provide resources in the future than an unhealthy or unfit man.
Women find men high ranking in social status or professional career more attractive because within human hierarchies, the top ranking alpha males have access to more resources than the lower ranking males. Older men by about 3 years are perceived to be more attractive due to their ability to have access to more resources.
2. Commitment and Willingness to Invest in Children
Women are keen to detect signs of commitment like love and fidelity to be more attractive in a man because it ensures that the man will continue to invest in her beyond the sexual encounter. Women have a higher risk when having sex due to the 9 months of pregnancy and care taking of the infant if she gets pregnant. Knowing that a man will invest his resources in her and her children is a sign that he is safe to engage in a sexual relationship with and hence more attractive.
Women are generally more attracted to a man that is sexually committed to her because she feels safe knowing that he will invest in her children if they have any, rather than spend his time pursuing other women.
3. Kindness, Humour, Emotional Stability and Affection
Men that display positive character traits of relating to others show that the man is a low risk for investment and has a higher chance of not only acquiring resources but fathering the children of the woman. Having emotional stability makes the woman feel safe and is a predictor that the man will not be emotionally or physically abusive to her or her children. A man that is dependable is more likely to provide resources to the woman and her children consistently in the future and that the man will not drain the woman's resources.
Displaying affection towards children allows the woman to see that the man would be safe and follow into a fathering role with her own. Women tend to choose men who display positive characteristics in their personality than just looks.
4. Athletic Ability, Physical Health and Fitness
Women find men who are physically healthy and in shape attractive not only for the acquisition of resources but also because they can protect the woman and her children from predators or threats. Health is also a sign of genetic superiority and a way to determine that the babies she has with that man will be healthy themselves.
Women also prefer men with masculine-looking faces as more attractive because it is a determining factor of higher testosterone which is a marker of good health during development.
Women find symmetry of a person's body and face a sign of sexual attractiveness and health for it is a sign that the person can withstand environmental and genetic stressors. A healthy mate ensures that the children will be healthy and good traits and genes will be passed down to them.
Knowing this information, as a man attracting a woman, we can engage in the 5 principles of self-love discussed in the Self-Love Tool. If we exercise and display qualities of symmetry and health, learn the elements of CBT and emotional intelligence, develop our intellectual and educational status, promote social health and gain rank within our group of friends, and have high ambition for our passions and manage a way to earn resources from it, we begin to align ourselves with the evolutionary predispositions women have for being attracted to a man.
Following the ethical intimacy code and learning about relationships, whether monogamous or open, we can act in a committed way that ensures that we will provide for our partners and any potential children that we may have. If we follow the ethical guidelines of respecting other's autonomy, not using people as a means to an end, and lessons about constructing relationships from Opening Up, we can use the Mystery Method discussed below to begin expanding our dating pool.
Men's Evolutionary Mate Preferences:
1. Physical Attractiveness and Age as a Sign of Reproductive Value
Evolutionarily speaking, men have developed an ability to determine which kinds of women were the healthiest as a means to know which of them to invest his time and energy in to successfully reproduce. Men find younger women more attractive because they have a higher probability of giving him children. As men get older, their preference for younger women increase.
Another way men have determined a woman's ability to give him children is her physical attractiveness. Men find specific traits in women more attractive because those traits are correlated with having children. Certain physical features such as full lips, clear and smooth skin, long healthy hair, clear eyes, good muscle tone, body fat distribution, hip to waist ratio, and symmetry are all indicators of reproductive value or fertility that men find attractive. All of these attributes are indicators of health and are signs that the woman is able to offer healthy children for the man.
These standards of beauty are consistent across all cultures. The only exception is areas where food is scarce, men prefer women with higher fat content in contrast with wealthy countries men prefer women who are thin. These standards of beauty are not learned socially or culturally because 6-18 month old infants can detect signs of beauty meaning that humans have evolved an innate preference for things like symmetry.
2. Fidelity and Sexual Faithfulness
Men find women who are sexually faithful as one of the most desired attributes of a partner. Men find this trait attractive because it prevents the situation of cuckolding, where another man impregnates his partner and he ends up raising the other man's child. Sexual permissiveness before entering a relationship is an indicator for men that the women will not be faithful to him while in the relationship. Men rate a woman being unfaithful as the least desirable trait of a partner and recorded as the most upsetting than any other pain a woman could inflict on a man cross-culturally.
3. Positive Personality Characteristics
Men find certain traits like kindness, intelligence, understanding, similar values, personality and attitudes to be attractive but not as high as physical attractiveness and fidelity.
Women who are seeking to attract a man have less evolutionary principles to follow. Having a realistic sense of your own beauty is important for women have succumb to issues of anorexia nervosa, bulimia or cosmetic surgery at an unhealthy scale. These conditions of one's self-esteem being lowered due to attempting to meet men's attraction triggers can be devastating. It is important for all women, and people in general, to have a healthy balance of exercise, social nutrition and sociability. A realistic sense of our worth and making our goal to become healthy is important and also has the benefit of making ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex.
As discussed in the Love Tool, identification with another person is the essence of what it means to be in love with someone. Women have the tendency to find men attractive that may not be good for them due to an over exaggerated value on resources or social rank. Just as men can be distracted by a young beautiful woman who is not actually in his best interest, women can end up in relationships with men who have resources but not able to develop a relationship in the context of Ethical Intimacy.
Paul Dobransky Omega Male Seminar:
Dr. Paul Dobransky identified 3 steps/ stages of attraction for men and women. Under Dobransky's theory, each person begins with the first step then when the other reciprocates with their step, they move to the second stage. All three steps are necessary in a relationship for both parties to feel fulfilled.
Men need from Women:
1. Cheerleading
When a woman supports a man in his mission or goals.
2. Being Upranked
In social contexts, the woman makes comments or acts in ways that displays the man she likes has high social rank.
3. Challenged
The woman challenges the man she likes so he can prove himself to her.
Women need from Men:
1. Mystery
The woman needs a sense of mystery or ambiguity from the man. There is something about him she can't place her finger on and it drives the essence of her attraction.
2. Alpha Male Status
The woman needs to see demonstration of the man's alpha male status in some form.
3. Pass Women's Tests
The woman will provide tests for the man to determine if he is worthy of her and he must pass those tests.
The Mystery Method
Erik Von Markovik, aka 'Mystery,' published a book called 'The Mystery Method,' where he discusses the steps to build attraction, comfort then seduction. Markovik's method is largely based on evolutionary psychology and what he calls 'social dynamics.'
The method is based on the premise of perceived survival or replication value. To be perceived attractive to a man or woman, one would have to have values in each respective category. The book is published for men, but many of the lessons of entertaining people, social dynamics and demonstrating higher value can be used by anyone regardless of sexual orientation and gender.
To women, emotions are much more powerful and encompassing than they are even to men. Because a woman's attraction circuitry is calibrated less to a man's physical characteristics than to his social, and hence survival, value, her emotions are at the center of her thoughts and actions...Just "feeling" something to be true is reason enough. (Markovik 2007, tMM 24)
Once you begin talking...the immediate goal is to reach the social acceptance, or hook, point. A moment comes when the set decides that they enjoy talking to you and that they want to continue talking to you. When this happens, you have successfully opened the set...there will be indicators of interest. (Markovik 2007, tMM 68)
...the set is open, it's time to create attraction...demonstrate higher value (DHV) to the set and neg the target, attraction is created...response with indicators of interest (IOIs), which will help you gauge your progress. (Markovik 2007, tMM 88)
As stated above, it is important to act ethically in terms of attracting people. Some of the content in the Mystery Method can be used in harmful ways by not respecting the autonomy or interests of the people being 'gamed' or courted. Learning any tool provides the user with the power to do good or cause harm with it.
Respecting women's rights and not objectifying them solely as sexual objects is important as a man. Men and women do use each other as sexual objects, however limiting another's identity to a 'pair of breasts' or a 'penis' is not ethical. We can value the sexually stimulating attributes of each other but also appreciate the person inside, the subjective nature of who they are.
Learning and understanding the evolutionary principles of attraction and the Venusian Arts is an important step in being able to attract the kind of person we desire. How we got about using these powers will determine the ethical standard and kind of character, person, we become.
AJ 12.2.18, 14.3.18, 27.3.20
Link to Buss's 'Evolutionary Psychology: the New Science of the Mind':
https://www.amazon.ca/Evolutionary-Psychology-New-Science-Mind/dp/0205992129/ref=dp_ob_title_bk
ISBN: 978-0205992126
Link to PDF of Buss's Study 'Sex Differences in Human Mate Selection.':
https://labs.la.utexas.edu/buss/files/2015/10/buss-1989-sex-differences-in-human-mate-preferences.pdf
Link to Markovik's 'The Mystery Method':
https://www.amazon.ca/Mystery-Method-Beautiful-Women-Into/dp/0312360118/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1518438793&sr=1-1&keywords=the+mystery+method
ISBN: 978-0312360115
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