Our social needs can be thought of as social nutrition; different people satisfy different kinds of needs based on their interests, personality, sexuality, and values. In Canada and the US, between 38 and 50% of all marriages end in divorce so the traditional view of the structure of relationships has some issues. With an understanding of our own needs and a realistic sense of what an other can offer us, we can avoid the issues many have had from divorce and unfulfilled expectations from intimate relationships.
Different kinds of people allow us to express ourselves and grow in different ways, depending on the kind of connection we share. Our own identities are multi-faceted, meaning that we have a value structure, a variety of passions and interests, and a personality style that compliments with other kinds of personalities.
Intimate relationships bring forth vulnerability when we are able to allow ourselves to invite an other into our own mind and world. Vulnerability can cause us to feel insecure or uncomfortable if we think our intimate partner that we have invested ourselves with is becoming close or spending time with another individual. Feelings of territory, jealousy, envy, abandonment and fear usually prevent most people from even considering an open relationship.
If we understand the nature of loving an other person, see Love Tool, then we care about that person's interests independent of our own selfish gains or insecurities. If we all need growth through having relationships, then if we truly love someone, we would encourage their pursuit of growing with others as long as it meet the Social Safety principle, see Tool.
If we love ourselves and the other person loves us, through establishing a commitment with each other, we can create a social context where we meet all the needs that we are able to offer and find any needs that are missing from others. Certain fundamental elements are necessary for any relationship like trust, communication, honesty, safety, etc.
As we know from the stats on divorce, if the most valued form of relationship in society has such a frequent failure rate, there is a good chance that our intimate relationships will change over time. If we are able to respect the Social Safety principle, we can maintain some form of relationship with others we have an intimate connection with as we grow into the future. We can reduce unnecessary pressure on someone we love if we can find some needs elsewhere from a different person that has an abundance to offer.
If we can establish a trusting commitment based on love, we can expand our intimacy beyond one person and create a family like, community structure of love and support.
Relationship Contract
Tristan Taormino wrote a book called 'Opening Up' published in 2008, where she breaks down the myths of relationships and offers a guide to open relationships. She offers a contract for commitment that is useful for monogamy and open relationships:
A statement about the nature of your relationship and you commitment to one another
A statement about your personal values and philosophies
What you hope to achieve through nonmonogamy
The rule or guidelines for: who, what, when, where, other partners, safe sex
Other pertinent limits and boundaries
Schedule of time and date commitments
The process for starting a relationship with a new partner
The process for airing grievances
Agreement about being "out" to other people
Explanation of how to amend the agreement (Taormino 2008, OU 149)
It is important to note that open relationships may not be for everyone. Even within the context of a sexually monogamous relationship, having other non-sexual friends could offer much needed elements of one's social nutrition and allow for more growth and self expression than isolating oneself to relating to one person alone.
AJ 9.2.18, 14.3.18, 29.5.18, 27.3.20
Amazon Link to Taormino's 'Opening Up':
https://www.amazon.ca/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
ISBN: 978-1-57344-295-4
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